Nail Brothers special with a sideorder of Shitass
by KinkyEyepatchShit
Summary: It's a big brother's job to be a dickhole. It's a little brother's job to get even. It's a vicious and cockle-warming cycle.


Waking up [not with Folgers in a cracked little coffee cup with stains around the rim and the strangest mold spot looming at the bottom, like the pirates Black Spot for anal pirate butt farmers that are in for a spelunking] was always touch and go with Dave. Either he did with creaking bones, too loud for his own good and his own good age, a grunt and a curse or two and a cigarette hastily shoved between chapped lips; or he didn't and….he was subjected to the deep shit to come. He was bliss, tranquil, couldn't be assed even; his skeletal form wrapped up in his piss poor excuse for a tattered blanket repatched and sewn and stitched together time after time, head completely buried beneath its heavenly sanctuary save for a few tufts of bright red locks at the top. He was dreaming of, well, what else. Some nice warm titties to squish his face into, a whole carton of smokes, and Law and Order. Mmmmmmyeaaaaaaaaaah it was all coming up smelling like ro- what the fuck was that goddamn smell.

The edges of sleep quickly began to unravel, but Dave held on to the ledge with his fingertips and wouldn't budge, the titties were fading fast and sooner or later his eyes snapped open, he tore the blanket off his face [and with it his burning nostrils, fucking singed nose hairs goddammit he was gonna pluck those eventually, the only joy he revels in during this life], took a greedy gulp of fresh, life saving air and with that single breath he snarled,  
"MOOOOOOTHERFUCK BADOU, I KNOW I DON'T FUCKING FEED YOU BUT THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD GO AND EAT LEGIT SHIT OUTTA THE GARBAGE YOU LITTLE SHIT!"

The only response he received was the smug shit eating grin of the younger ginger laying next to him, elbow propped up on his pillow like he owned the goddamn thing. [frankly he could have, but he's a big boy and needs to learn how to share with the dear big brother that suffers from a stiff neck from attempted spiderman kisses and shit, yanno, it's a ruff life] "Afternoon, Big Shit. Sup. You're late."

Dave sighed and huffed and grunted and reached over to lay a good punch to Badou's arm, then moved on with his morning ass crack of the afternoon nearly five in the afternoon his eyes weren't the size of the moon ritual as well as ignoring the bitching little shit rubbing his arm and gripping beside him. [also another part of the ritual, a very important part mind you] One pale, ashy as fuck hand turned palm side, awaiting the precious life giver to land right smack dab in the middle. Badou knows the drill after years of practice and immediately planted a crisp and surprisingly clean cigarette on that palm, lighter seconds from being produced along with it.

The older brother brought the flame to the tip and inhaled gratefully [not that he'd admit it ever ever everrrrrrrrrrrrr] and so, let there be light. And well, a fight the second he noticed little shit younger brother helping himself to his precious cigarettes.

Badou was promptly swatted, leaving the poor cigarette to tumble onto the ratty mattress in a puff of smoke.

"WHAT THE HELL, DICKBAG?! I COULDA BURNED MYSELF!"

"First of all watch that stinky asshole smellin' mouth," Dave tutted, pressing a palm against Badou's forehead in order to stave off the oh so scary assault about a fignertip or two inch in reach of him, arm flailing and growling included. "an second of all what'd I tell you about this shit? Don't start smoking or you'll be a po-ass like me."

"I'm already poor as dirt, fucker," Badou hissed, fingers stretching to just. Reach. That. Stupid. Smug ass. Fucking face. "AN AT LEAST I BRUSH MY DAMN TEETH AN DON'T DRINK OUT OF THE TOILET YOU FUCK!" It was all about ignoring your problems in favor of bitching.

"At least I've gotten to second base," Dave retorted, lips curled into an amused grin, the best part of waking up was teasing the fuck out of his brother.

"FUCK YOU, ASSHOLE, I'VE TOUCHED BOOB BEFORE! I TOLD YOU WHY WON'T YOU BELIEVE ME YOU BASTARD!?" A kick and some more grunting thrown in there to spice things up.

"Cause you're a little tit that don't know nothing 'bout real tits. An I don't believe you because a leftover bra from a lay of mine doesn't count unless there's an actual tit enclosed in the cup. So tough shit, little shit." Dave chuckled and casually brought the cigarette from his lips to tap a few flecks of ash into a conveniently placed makeshift ash tray [an empty and half crushed beer can]. He also casually remarked about the lovely shade of red Badou was quickly flushing. "Wheeeeeeeeew cherry red to fit the cherry shithead, perfect~!"

"YOU TOLD ME YOU GUYS WERE PLAYING MONOPOLY! I WAS WONDERING WHY YOU WOULDN'T LET ME PLAY AND BE THE LITTLE SHOE YOU DICKHOLE! THA….THAT'S WHY?" Wide green eyes locked on Dave's cackling form, fingers tightening in his wife beater shirt. "The suspicious milk stain…"

The cigarette was tucked back between his lips to accompany that shit eating grin he'd caught from Badou. "Yup. Pretty milky but not so much calcium. Probably. Maybe." The rest of his musing was cut short by the extremely furious baby brother dive bombing him and knocking him onto the mattress, a fist to the chest quickly following the move [Dave was so proud, he finally got over just smashing random buttons and cursing at him] "YOU SON OF A BITCH, YOU LET ME CLEAN THAT SHIT WITH A SMILE ON YOUR STUPID FACE! I WILL PISS ON EVERYTHING YOU LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOVE!"

Once he'd caught the flailing fist and boogied the shit out of the shitty but somehow beautiful bowl cut he'd been gracious enough to give Badou earlier in the year, he flicked him on the nose and snorted. "I guess it's a good thing you still haven't gotten over pissing on yourself at the slightest fright."

"Whatchu talkin' 'bout Dave," the other deadpanned, still red as fuck but it was starting to fade just around the tips of his ears.

Instead of telling him, Dave showed him. By grabbing the boys' cheeks and tugging, hard and cooing, "Awwwwww my sweet baby brudderrrrrrrrrrrr, how kawaii, wetting the bed because he wuvs me baaaaaack~"

There was just something about them Nails brothers.

"DAVE YOU COCKHOP I WILL FART AGAIN IF YOU DON'T GET OFF ME, WHAT THE FUCKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK KKKKKKKKKKKK!"


End file.
